Negotiation and civility are not and should not be mutually exclusive. And, yet, even some of those who agree with that haven’t internalized that principle. Whenever our own thinking brings us back to this pet peeve, we think of a remarkable colleague, one no longer with us. Brilliant and direct, he held strongly developed views and expressed them in a blunt way. Yet, he was never acerbic. Put differently, he had a remarkable ability: to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.
Does anyone really think that telling someone on the other side of a deal: “No one has ever asked for that before, you are being ridiculous,” will bring about the desired result? To our thinking, there are two possibilities. One is that the “ridiculous” proponent of the unprecedented bargaining request plain simply didn’t understand what she or he was asking for. The other possibility, the far more likely one, is that the proponent’s experience is quite different. She or he has heard the request before and likely has made the request, sometimes or even many times, with a successful result. Whichever is the case, directly or impliedly insulting your across-the-table (telephone, email) colleague isn’t likely to be a convincing argument. Basically, it is an ad hominem attack and reveals more about the speaker than the target. [Read more…]